Easy reading is damn hard writing.

Easy reading is damn hard writing.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne


I am scared, really scared - you see the thing is my writing was different before I joined this writing group but now my writing has changed - even though I have only attended three sessions the comments they have made to myself and other budding authors are truthful and full of constructive criticism. The time of realising that my writing may not be completely up to scratch comes at the same time that I need to approve my manuscript. The long awaited self published book!!! 


Am I scared because this is where I expose myself to the world? Allowing people to pass judgement on my creation - because I have put it out there. Should I have had patience? to have waited - worked on my novel for years to come until finally an agent or a publisher said 'Yes, this is going to sell' 


Or am I scared because I know its not good enough? I don't know and the not knowing is the scary part. So here is my dilemma - The manuscript is ready to go all I need to do is make one phone call and then - like magic I should get a publishing date - which is what I have wanted isn't it? 


The fear wont go - do all self publishers feel like this? Should I have waited - It took me two years to write mid changing jobs, careers, buying a house and planning a wedding- was I too impatient? does it all boil down to this thrisis I am having - the fear that life is passing me by and that I haven't achieved what I ought to have by now? 


It is scary and I am scared but then something resounds in my head - That I could have sat on this manuscript for years and not tried - and that is the most important thing isn't it - to try - even if you fail - surely I will learn something from it (like patience perhaps)- I know I have learnt something from this whole experience and will definitely carry it on to my next novel (I am already 30,000 words in to it.) 


And maybe, maybe when I am 80 I can hold up a copy of my first novel and smile knowing that I did it and someone somewhere has a copy of my book.